And In Today’s News

(This piece reminds me so much of one of the potential covers for my second novel, which featured 40 naked pagan women and bats…designed by Brock Parks. The cover finally gets to be seen.)


In the news today… Cell phone companies are the latest greatest owners of the world and they own it all through a special app they bought for a trillion dollars from a kid who worked it out while he was taking a crap on a public toilet and the first thing the cell phone companies are going to do as the latest greatest owners of the world is declare world peace and an end to poverty

Apparently, they have apps for both

Cell phone rates will stay the same but subscribers will be required to hand over the patents for their organs so the companies can print out new organs when the old ones fail and keep their customers subscribing for an extra hundred years or more

“Dead subscribers don’t pay their cell phone bills,” said Warren Allen, owner of all the cell phone companies in the world In other news…

A bomb exploded in the streets of another hell city in another hell spot where tourists won’t be spending their tourist dollars because it’s one of those places where people stick around just long enough to die and when we see it on CNN we can’t help but feel our deepest sympathy for the people who had to cover the story

“The beer was warm,” said Howard Lite, correspondent.

Switching to other news…
Someone’s building another tall building and it’s rumored that this one’s going to scratch the surface of the moon and make earth’s tides and weather controllable through a greater understanding of the relationship between earth and moon and their mutual gravitational pulls

It’s rumored that the cell phone companies are working on an app for this

On the home front…
The city is closing all refuges, soup kitchens and city-sponsored agencies for the homeless in favor of a new approach that will expand the possibilities of the homeless by allowing them to fully develop their survival skills

Said Deputy Mayor Sylvia Harding, “Take a wild animal into your care; coddle and feed it and then set it loose. It’ll die within days because it will have lost its ability to fend for itself in the wild. And these people, god bless them, are living in the wild. We need to free them from our toxic love.”

And here’s today’s opinion…
“There are too many cars on the highways. We need to clear the highways of cars and make more room for pedestrians because people who walk are not congesting the highways. Cars are doing that. And trucks. Trucks are congesting our highways and making it difficult for pedestrians to do what they do so well…walk. We need to get more walkers on the highways and fewer cars. Especially trucks. And buses.”

And back to today’s news…
Someone, somewhere has decided to merge all clothing products under one-size-fits-all. This will include coats, shirts, pants, shoes and anything else that can be worn.

“The clothing industry has been caving in to demands from customers for too long. We’ve determined that the demand for specific clothing sizes has been counterproductive in terms of additional machinery and labelling, display space and other factors, including profit margins. Up till now, the clothing industry has carried this burden without complaint, but we feel that it’s time for consumers to step up to the plate and resize themselves so that every man, woman and child will fit into a medium size.” From an anonymous source who didn’t want to be identified because then he wouldn’t be anonymous.

Turning to other news…
One thousand naked pagan women walked across the sun earlier today. Apparently, they were holding hands and singing and appeared to be having fun. Experts from around the world have been summoned to the Pentagon to discuss methods for bringing the women back home safely.

“The sun is a very hot place. We need to get them back here immediately, for their own good. before they get burned,” said General Lou Abbott in a phone interview from the Pentagon.

And in still other news…
Has anybody found my other shoe? Where’s that fucking shoe?

We apologize for the interruption. Our technical staff is working on this. In the meantime…this message from our sponsors.

“Buy this. You can’t live without this. Without this you’re a nobody. Scum. This will make you not-scum. This will make you part of the solution. Buying this will create jobs and a healthier economy. It will employ thousands. You need this. We need you to need this. Think of how happy we’ll all be if you’ll just buy this. And, please, don’t ask what it is…just buy it. It’s…the latest.”

Where’s my fucking shoe!

“The latest.”

It was on my foot! How did it get off my foot!

“You need it.”

And back to the news…this just in…
Someone has invented a cure for boredom while someone else invented an app that answers your telemarketer calls and gives them false information while someone else invented the 36 hour day and they’re currently developing an app to re-align the sun so that the number of hours of sunlight in a day accommodates the change in hours while someone else invented THE NEW IDEA and will roll it out as soon as they identify what the idea is while someone else invented a car that runs on bullshit which someone else (in a position of academic authority) claims to be the leading source of untapped energy in the 21st Century.

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