(Yesterday, I blew up Chelsea Landing just as she was calling it quits. Today, much to Shawna Gorman’s dismay she’s forced step outside her cell phone. Want to feel her pain? Read on…
Today’s gratuitous photo is seaweed. Everybody loves seaweed.)
Shawna Gorman was the ultimate phonie. She lived for her cell phone, she lived by her cell phone and she lived in her cell phone. She was the fish and her cell was the ocean, and trips to the surface were suffocating excursions into a world that had ceased long ago to be real to her. If it wasn’t contained in a text or Facebook message, it wasn’t real. If it didn’t appear in a tweet or Instagram image, it never happened. She knew she could make calls on her cell and actually talk to other people, but why would she do that? What would she say?
Today, she was having some afternoon sex with her boyfriend, Mark, who she’d met on a dating site. He could text faster than anyone she’d ever met and it excited her to see how soon he could get a message back to her after she texted him. It was like he was responding as she was texting. She was texting him now, telling him what a great a fuck he was as he was text-fucking her. It was so much more exciting this way. And she would have the messages stored in her account, almost like a scrapbook of their sexual encounters. And some of the selfies were just plain delicious. She had a whole library of selfies of herself coming with Mark and sometimes she posted them publicly with the message: Real or posed? You guess.
Everyone pretty much guessed right.
She was just about to take another selfie of herself coming with Mark when suddenly…her connection broke, not with Mark (she could easily deal with that) but with her phone (which was not so easily dealt with). She pushed Mark’s body off her and sat straight up, gazing in horror at the message on her screen: You are not connected. Mark, still in heat and wondering why his penis was suddenly getting cold, checked his phone to see if he was still with Shauna. The message on his phone didn’t make any sense. Not connected?
Mark looked at Shauna. Actually looked.
Shauna looked at Mark. Yes, looked.
They both looked confused as first their ears, and then their noses and lips tore off their faces and rushed off to somewhere in a world that was suddenly connected only by its fate.
For more crazy writing by Biff Mitchel, visit Amazon.