On Describing Writers

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I’ve heard people describe writers as insightful, well-disciplined, open-minded, observant individuals with massive vocabularies, a passion for reading and a clarity of thought that separates them from the rest of the human race.

Bullshit.

Real writers live in hovels. They peek out their windows and watch the world change seasons while they scratch their nethers with one hand and hold a bottle of wine in the other. They avoid contact with other people lest they become contaminated with sociability.

Writers never eat. They drink coffee. They live on coffee. They breathe and fart coffee. And wine. Sometimes they drink tea to remind themselves how good coffee and wine taste. They need these kinds of assurances and reminders because writers are absent-minded and put the kettle in the refrigerator and the cream on the stove.

Writers are on a continual quest to find out who they are. That’s why they write. Along the way they luck out and write something that means something to someone, but never themselves. This keeps them writing.

Writers borrow money from their friends and never pay it back. This is why writers have few friends, if any. More likely none. Which keeps writers poor because they have few, if any, friends to lend them money.

Writers don’t know how to punctuate. They leave this chore to editors who carry whips and chairs to keep the writers at bay, especially when they need coffee and wine.

Writers don’t watch television because everything on television pisses them off and they throw empty wine bottles at the screen thinking that this will change things. Another reason writers don’t watch television is because they can’t afford to keep buying televisions after throwing wine bottles at them and they have few if any friends to lend them money to buy new ones.

Writers talk to themselves because they believe that’s the only way to have an intelligent conversation…an intelligent conversation being one in which they are in unwavering agreement with everything they say. This situation falls apart when they disagree with themselves, which may accidentally lead to insightful writing in spite of the writer’s opinion that, because the writer was not in agreement, the conversation wasn’t intelligent.

Writers claim to see things differently than other people and that this leads to a deep understanding of life and the universe that others will never see until they read about it in the writer’s books. When readers ask writers to elucidate on these understandings, writers talk about their need for coffee and ask the readers if they can borrow money for said coffee.

Writers deny any responsibility for their words and blame any ill effects or consequences on muses, bad editing, lack of coffee and/or wine, celestial alignment, misinterpretation and rumors started by other writers.

Wait a minute! I’m a writer… writers as insightful, well-disciplined, open-minded, observant individuals with massive vocabularies, a passion for reading and a clarity of thought that separates them from the rest of the human race.

 

 

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