Cinema in the Time of COVID (My 2021 Oscar Article…don’t tell anyone)

Cinema in the Time if COVID

Some people say that COVID will be the death of cinema…that most of the world’s movie theatres will close and that movie stars will be cast on the basis of how their eyes look on the big screen because their mouths and noses will be hidden under masks.

   But then, most people read the internet.

  Movies…the apparatus that tricked the world into thinking that the United States of America is a great nation and not a cesspool of hatred and stupidity, and always was, will never stop spreading lies, especially since we’re inviting the cinema into our homes.

   Big screens are taking over our living room walls. Where once there were marvelous pictures, now there is Marvel, and theaters will close everywhere but Florida, where people will meet to share their COVID and say goodbye to friends who will be dead in a week or two because death has a hard-on for stupidity. Beer sales will increase worldwide as people stay home to get drunk while watching re-runs of the Godfather. Cigarettes will make a comeback because we’re all gonna die anyway. Dead movie stars will play their greatest roles through CGI but never win Oscars because…well…they’re dead.

   For those with small walls in their homes, movies will become increasingly portable as the masses give up their souls and attention to cell phones; in fact, movies will be sold as cards, each one programmed with a movie that can be traded for other movies just like baseball cards. Special edition sets signed by the cast will be blockchain NFTs and be auctioned off for tens of dollars…and then billions.

   Rocky Horror Picture Show will come in a boxed set with rice and Bic lighters for ten.

   Virtual reality will allow us to participate in movies and interact with the performers. Massively Watched Movies (MWMs) will allow thousands of movie watchers to participate in battles simultaneously. Many will die from wounds so realistic that their minds will say, “Holy shit…” and die. Some might receive posthumous Oscars which will encourage low performers to jump on the Gladiator Bandwagon because they just might get paid to die if they win one.

   Did I mention something about death and stupidity?

   Sound will be isolated so that you can watch and listen to a card without anyone around you knowing that you’re trashing your ear drums on Saturday Night Fever at 1000 watts per ear.

   Social distancing just might bring back the drive-in theater which, of course, will generate a huge demand for beer and knuckle dusters for the intermissions…just like in the old days…which, of course, will defeat the whole purpose of social distancing. But this will only occur in Florida so, really, who gives a damn. Pass the beer please.

   The ancient disease, laundro-hypnotic-mind-death, will disappear as people using laundromats stop watching clothing swirling in the washers and watch movies on the washer doors instead. The movies will continue into the dryer doors where you’ll be able to pause them for the next time you do your laundry. Or you could just take a Rocky Horror Picture Show party pack to the laundromat and try other forms of mind death.

   A wise old man once said, “If you can watch it, you can listen to it.”
   I have no idea what that means, but the cinema, COVID or no COVID, is here forever. And then some.

BTW…for those with absolutely no respect for their sanity…

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