100 People, 10 Bats and 1 Cat Blowing Up – Episode 21 (Penguins Starving in the Full Moon Light)


(Previously, a self-employed recycling activist was saved from having to make a tough decisoin. Today, a couple down on the human race goes down with the human race. Read on…

Today’s gratuitous photo is wild grass in the wind by a body of water in the wilderness on a sunny day along the bike trail.)


“And here’s to the penguin cubs starving in the full moon light on a continent drifting off into the oceans.”

Their glasses clinked. This was a matter of great importance to Waylon. Wine glasses had to clink. That was how you knew they were expensive crystal glasses. Clunking didn’t cut it. Clunks were for cheap Dollar Store glasses with cheap blunt-tasting wine. Waylon didn’t drink from cheap glasses that said, “Clunk.” And he didn’t drink cheap wine. The glasses they drank from contained expensive French wine and when Waylon’s glass touched Jenny’s glass, they said, “Clink” with an Austrian accent.

“Poor little penguin cubs,” said Jenny. She sipped gracefully from her expensive cut crystal wine glass and savored the smooth fruity wine as it slid over her palette.

Waylon smiled and as he reached his glass towards hers. “Here’s to the human babies being blown to shreds by humans with bombs strapped around their bodies.”

“To the babies!” said Jenny as their glasses said, “Clink.”

They sipped and smiled.

“I think we were a mistake,” said Jenny.

“A miscalculation in the abacus of evolution,” said Waylon.

“A foul package left on the doorstep of an unsuspecting world,” said Jenny.

“But the world took us in,” said Waylon. “Took us in with a trusting heart.”

“And we betrayed her,” said Jenny. “Like an apple filled with razor blades.”

“Like a fortune cookie laced with arsenic,” said Waylon.

“We are ebola to Mother Earth,” said Jenny.

“Here’s to the last tree in the last rain forest,” said Waylon, and their glasses clinked in cut crystal harmony.

“I wonder what they’ll do with the machines when there’s nothing left to cut?” said Jenny.

“They’ll look for new things to kill and build new machines to kill them,” said Waylon. “And they’ll leave the old machines to die from rust in the forests they stripped to the bone.”

“Bastards!” said Jenny.

“Bastards!” said Waylon.

Jenny thrust her glass towards Waylon’s. A few drops of wine slipped over the rim of the glass and landed on the chesterfield. She giggled. Waylon giggled. “To the bones of the forests,” she said, and their glasses clinked expensively. It was almost like a “click” with an undertone of “ink.”

They laughed and sipped and Waylon said, “To the air getting thick enough to swim to the stars.”

Click with an “ink.”

“To the disappearing coastlines and the cities and villages soon to be underwater,” said Jenny.

This clink brought to you all the way from Austria.

“To the primordial viruses newly awakened and ravaging the living of another time,” said Waylon.

“Oh shit!” said Jenny.

“What?” said Waylon. “You didn’t read about the…”

“I’m out of wine.” She held her glass high and almost doubled over giggling. “I’m out of wine.”

Waylon looked into his glass. “Me too.” He laughed as though he’d just told the funniest joke in the world. He bent over and lifted a bottle from a porcelain bucket filled with melting ice and refilled their glasses, spilling wine onto the chesterfield. “Fuck,” said Jenny. “It’s all so…”

“…fucking pointless,” said Waylon.

“We’re so…fucked,” said Jenny, and they both laughed. “By the way, what was I supposed to read about?”

Waylon thought for a moment but nothing came to mind so he thrust his glass towards Jenny’s glass and said, “To all the flying insects that seem to have left the planet and the crops they left behind to die.”

Their glasses clinked hard and more wine soaked into the chesterfield. They bent over with laughter. “Oh…oh…oh,” said Jenny. “I have one.”

“Let’s hear it,” said Waylon.

Jerry sat straight, almost to a sitting attention stance, and lifted her glass solemnly. Waylon followed suit. In a mock serious voice, she said, “And here’s to blowing up in…” just as the nuclear tide tore through the living room and carried their particles off into a world bereft of flying insects.


For more crazy writing by Biff Mitchel, visit Amazon.


And In Today’s News

(This piece reminds me so much of one of the potential covers for my second novel, which featured 40 naked pagan women and bats…designed by Brock Parks. The cover finally gets to be seen.)


In the news today… Cell phone companies are the latest greatest owners of the world and they own it all through a special app they bought for a trillion dollars from a kid who worked it out while he was taking a crap on a public toilet and the first thing the cell phone companies are going to do as the latest greatest owners of the world is declare world peace and an end to poverty

Apparently, they have apps for both

Cell phone rates will stay the same but subscribers will be required to hand over the patents for their organs so the companies can print out new organs when the old ones fail and keep their customers subscribing for an extra hundred years or more

“Dead subscribers don’t pay their cell phone bills,” said Warren Allen, owner of all the cell phone companies in the world In other news…

A bomb exploded in the streets of another hell city in another hell spot where tourists won’t be spending their tourist dollars because it’s one of those places where people stick around just long enough to die and when we see it on CNN we can’t help but feel our deepest sympathy for the people who had to cover the story

“The beer was warm,” said Howard Lite, correspondent.

Switching to other news…
Someone’s building another tall building and it’s rumored that this one’s going to scratch the surface of the moon and make earth’s tides and weather controllable through a greater understanding of the relationship between earth and moon and their mutual gravitational pulls

It’s rumored that the cell phone companies are working on an app for this

On the home front…
The city is closing all refuges, soup kitchens and city-sponsored agencies for the homeless in favor of a new approach that will expand the possibilities of the homeless by allowing them to fully develop their survival skills

Said Deputy Mayor Sylvia Harding, “Take a wild animal into your care; coddle and feed it and then set it loose. It’ll die within days because it will have lost its ability to fend for itself in the wild. And these people, god bless them, are living in the wild. We need to free them from our toxic love.”

And here’s today’s opinion…
“There are too many cars on the highways. We need to clear the highways of cars and make more room for pedestrians because people who walk are not congesting the highways. Cars are doing that. And trucks. Trucks are congesting our highways and making it difficult for pedestrians to do what they do so well…walk. We need to get more walkers on the highways and fewer cars. Especially trucks. And buses.”

And back to today’s news…
Someone, somewhere has decided to merge all clothing products under one-size-fits-all. This will include coats, shirts, pants, shoes and anything else that can be worn.

“The clothing industry has been caving in to demands from customers for too long. We’ve determined that the demand for specific clothing sizes has been counterproductive in terms of additional machinery and labelling, display space and other factors, including profit margins. Up till now, the clothing industry has carried this burden without complaint, but we feel that it’s time for consumers to step up to the plate and resize themselves so that every man, woman and child will fit into a medium size.” From an anonymous source who didn’t want to be identified because then he wouldn’t be anonymous.

Turning to other news…
One thousand naked pagan women walked across the sun earlier today. Apparently, they were holding hands and singing and appeared to be having fun. Experts from around the world have been summoned to the Pentagon to discuss methods for bringing the women back home safely.

“The sun is a very hot place. We need to get them back here immediately, for their own good. before they get burned,” said General Lou Abbott in a phone interview from the Pentagon.

And in still other news…
Has anybody found my other shoe? Where’s that fucking shoe?

We apologize for the interruption. Our technical staff is working on this. In the meantime…this message from our sponsors.

“Buy this. You can’t live without this. Without this you’re a nobody. Scum. This will make you not-scum. This will make you part of the solution. Buying this will create jobs and a healthier economy. It will employ thousands. You need this. We need you to need this. Think of how happy we’ll all be if you’ll just buy this. And, please, don’t ask what it is…just buy it. It’s…the latest.”

Where’s my fucking shoe!

“The latest.”

It was on my foot! How did it get off my foot!

“You need it.”

And back to the news…this just in…
Someone has invented a cure for boredom while someone else invented an app that answers your telemarketer calls and gives them false information while someone else invented the 36 hour day and they’re currently developing an app to re-align the sun so that the number of hours of sunlight in a day accommodates the change in hours while someone else invented THE NEW IDEA and will roll it out as soon as they identify what the idea is while someone else invented a car that runs on bullshit which someone else (in a position of academic authority) claims to be the leading source of untapped energy in the 21st Century.