100 People, 10 Bats and 1 Cat Blowing Up – Episode 15 (Bats Out Of the Belfry)

Ice Trees-5

(Previously, Elsie Warren missed a chance to cut Andrea’s throat. Oh well. Today, 10 nasty little bats don’t get to terrorize a woman in the night. Read on…

Today’s gratuitous photo is vertical parallel symmetry. Or pointy things.)


“I’m going to eat the biggest, fattest, juiciest June bug I can find. Gonna eat its head and all,” said Jurgen.

“I could go for a dozen or so fireflies. Maybe a load of mosquitos on the side,” said Dwight.

Jurgen flapped his wings and made chirping sounds that sounded more like clicks than chirps. “And after I eat that monstrous big June bug,” he said, flapping his wings excitedly, “I’m going to find a lone female out for a night time stroll and fly right into her hair!”

Dwight chirped frantically, though it sounded more like bad Morse code, and made a rasping sound. “Yeah! Let’s both fly into her hair. Like, roll around, get tangled, make her scream a bit.”

“Scream a bit! Scream a bit!” screamed Jurgen, wings flapping wildly.

“Don’t ya just love this life?” said Dwight. “Get to fly, eat bugs and scare people. Gotta love it!”

“Remember that red head the other night?” said Jurgen. They clicked their chirps and flapped their wings crazily.

“Ran right into a tree!” yelled Dwight.

“Knocked herself clean out!” yelled Jurgen.

“Scared the shit out of that family walking by!”

“Made the kids cry!”

“And then the whole family ran! Even the father!”

“Let’s all of us fly into her hair!” yelled Dwight.

“Yay!” yelled Barton

“All of us!” yelled Harry.

“Right into her hair!” yelled Arnold.

“Flock attack!” yelled Charles.

“Make her scream!” yelled Michael.

“Flap and roll!” yelled Carson.

“No mercy!” yelled Ebeneezer.

“Follicle frenzy!” yelled Chester.

The other bats looked at Chester quizzically, as was the attic norm whenever he spoke.

“Let’s go for it!” yelled Jurgen.

Together as a bat horde they let loose from their perches and clicked and chirped and flapped out the ventilation window, straight into the firestorm.

(With thanks to The Queen of the Bats for this one.)


For more crazy writing by Biff Mitchel, visit Amazon.


And In Today’s News

(This piece reminds me so much of one of the potential covers for my second novel, which featured 40 naked pagan women and bats…designed by Brock Parks. The cover finally gets to be seen.)


In the news today… Cell phone companies are the latest greatest owners of the world and they own it all through a special app they bought for a trillion dollars from a kid who worked it out while he was taking a crap on a public toilet and the first thing the cell phone companies are going to do as the latest greatest owners of the world is declare world peace and an end to poverty

Apparently, they have apps for both

Cell phone rates will stay the same but subscribers will be required to hand over the patents for their organs so the companies can print out new organs when the old ones fail and keep their customers subscribing for an extra hundred years or more

“Dead subscribers don’t pay their cell phone bills,” said Warren Allen, owner of all the cell phone companies in the world In other news…

A bomb exploded in the streets of another hell city in another hell spot where tourists won’t be spending their tourist dollars because it’s one of those places where people stick around just long enough to die and when we see it on CNN we can’t help but feel our deepest sympathy for the people who had to cover the story

“The beer was warm,” said Howard Lite, correspondent.

Switching to other news…
Someone’s building another tall building and it’s rumored that this one’s going to scratch the surface of the moon and make earth’s tides and weather controllable through a greater understanding of the relationship between earth and moon and their mutual gravitational pulls

It’s rumored that the cell phone companies are working on an app for this

On the home front…
The city is closing all refuges, soup kitchens and city-sponsored agencies for the homeless in favor of a new approach that will expand the possibilities of the homeless by allowing them to fully develop their survival skills

Said Deputy Mayor Sylvia Harding, “Take a wild animal into your care; coddle and feed it and then set it loose. It’ll die within days because it will have lost its ability to fend for itself in the wild. And these people, god bless them, are living in the wild. We need to free them from our toxic love.”

And here’s today’s opinion…
“There are too many cars on the highways. We need to clear the highways of cars and make more room for pedestrians because people who walk are not congesting the highways. Cars are doing that. And trucks. Trucks are congesting our highways and making it difficult for pedestrians to do what they do so well…walk. We need to get more walkers on the highways and fewer cars. Especially trucks. And buses.”

And back to today’s news…
Someone, somewhere has decided to merge all clothing products under one-size-fits-all. This will include coats, shirts, pants, shoes and anything else that can be worn.

“The clothing industry has been caving in to demands from customers for too long. We’ve determined that the demand for specific clothing sizes has been counterproductive in terms of additional machinery and labelling, display space and other factors, including profit margins. Up till now, the clothing industry has carried this burden without complaint, but we feel that it’s time for consumers to step up to the plate and resize themselves so that every man, woman and child will fit into a medium size.” From an anonymous source who didn’t want to be identified because then he wouldn’t be anonymous.

Turning to other news…
One thousand naked pagan women walked across the sun earlier today. Apparently, they were holding hands and singing and appeared to be having fun. Experts from around the world have been summoned to the Pentagon to discuss methods for bringing the women back home safely.

“The sun is a very hot place. We need to get them back here immediately, for their own good. before they get burned,” said General Lou Abbott in a phone interview from the Pentagon.

And in still other news…
Has anybody found my other shoe? Where’s that fucking shoe?

We apologize for the interruption. Our technical staff is working on this. In the meantime…this message from our sponsors.

“Buy this. You can’t live without this. Without this you’re a nobody. Scum. This will make you not-scum. This will make you part of the solution. Buying this will create jobs and a healthier economy. It will employ thousands. You need this. We need you to need this. Think of how happy we’ll all be if you’ll just buy this. And, please, don’t ask what it is…just buy it. It’s…the latest.”

Where’s my fucking shoe!

“The latest.”

It was on my foot! How did it get off my foot!

“You need it.”

And back to the news…this just in…
Someone has invented a cure for boredom while someone else invented an app that answers your telemarketer calls and gives them false information while someone else invented the 36 hour day and they’re currently developing an app to re-align the sun so that the number of hours of sunlight in a day accommodates the change in hours while someone else invented THE NEW IDEA and will roll it out as soon as they identify what the idea is while someone else invented a car that runs on bullshit which someone else (in a position of academic authority) claims to be the leading source of untapped energy in the 21st Century.

Day 21 – The Cathedral and Bats…lots of bats

Church Big

This is Christ Church Cathedral, one of the most impressive buildings I’ve ever experienced. It’s in the middle of a beautifully treed plot of land across from a long stretch of riverside grass called The Green. The inside of this structure is pure calm. Reflection. A place where you can sit for hours and empty your mind of all the crap going on outside the walls. It builds a fortress of solitude around you and, for a while, you own yourself. You own your thoughts. The clarity of the moment takes your breath away with the absence of the noise that composes life outside the walls of this sacred place.

And it’s moment after moment after…


At night, hundreds, possibly thousands, of bats fly out of the belfry and buzz The Green for bugs. This brings back a few memories…

I used to party with a group of strange people.

We would get high (usually toward the end of a night of partying), go to The Green, lay down in the grass and wait. Within minutes, bats would fly over us, inches from our faces. They never touched us (us not being bugs and all), but one of the girls got bug splatter on her face from a messy kill one dark and batty night.

She said, “Eeyew.”

Just like that. “Eeyew.”

Another night, we were the batty ones (did I mention strange people?). We had a glow in the dark Frisbee and tried to toss it over the top of the cathedral. We almost got it a few times, but couldn’t quite reach the top, falling about a quarter inch (remember inches?) short. But it could have been more (We were pretty damn high). (It was mandatory back then.) (It should be mandatory now; the world might be a little less violent and messed up.) On the final throw…the Frisbee just disappeared in the air.

Not even a poof…it was just gone.

We didn’t find this strange at all. Just figured it had something to do with bats or God, and the bars were still open for last call and whoever, or whatever, snatched that Frisbee out of the air probably played with it instead of eating us.

So we went for the party.

It was always the party.

Better than being eaten by Frisbee stealing things in the night.